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Monday, February 9, 2009

Waving the White Flag

You should know right from the start that I'm sick and I've had a terrible weekend. The current sickness is a sore throat, sneezing, congestion--just feeling punk. When I went to the store and bought cold medicine, I bought the one marked "Severe". That's how it feels to me.

In reality, I've been sick for about a month. It comes and goes where I can feel a slight fever and the exhaustion gets to the point where I leave work early to go home and nap or the first thing I do when I get home is get in bed for a couple of hours. Calling it a sickness is probably wrong. It's just exhaustion and never being able to catch up.

There are things I could have done different. A lot of what I've been doing lately isn't just Millsaps as I've taken photos at the Convention Complex and the CD Release party. I helped Isabelle move furniture and I briefly helped my neighbor move furniture, two things that I was glad to do. I've spent some time on Facebook, something I've enjoyed but it does involve time. If I had done none of these things, done nothing for myself, then I probably wouldn't be so tired, but what kind of life am I leading.

Saturday morning I was tired, frustrated, angry and depressed. Mother's car battery went dead Friday so she called me and left a message on the cell phone when I was at the Millsaps game. I was too tired to fix it Friday so I'd have to do it early Saturday because my plans called for photographing the Millsaps tennis match at 11. Things didn't go well. I didn't have the tool needed to reach the screw hidden deep in the motor that held the battery down. Twice I had to go to the store to buy the right tool, then I had to take the battery to swap and reinstall the new one. Time ticked away, and finally I realized that there would be no way to make the tennis.

Somewhere in all this it hit me that taking time to change the battery wasn't eating into my time. I have very little time left. The battery took away time from the Millsaps tennis team. And photographing the tennis team was going to take away time from the baseball and basketball photos that needed to be edited. I have very little time left that is my own and when I take some time to do things like taking photos of bands, it puts me in a state of exhaustion.

So what does all that bitching have to do with dieting. Nothing and everything. If dieting were a breeze then everyone would be thin. I'm trying to diet almost as an afterthought while doing so many things that make it more difficult. I get exhausted so I eat to try and work a little longer on the photos. I stand for several hours at a sporting event so my back and hip hurt and walking or jogging becomes difficult. I'm always stressed, a nice trigger for wanting food. I don't sleep well thanks to the hip and stress, so that leads to odd eating habits plus exhaustion, and the exhaustion leads to the eating so I can work a little longer on the photos.

There's a part of me that says I still should be able to diet despite all of the above. If I'll just find the right plan and stick with it, I can lose weight despite all that is going on around me. I'm tired of trying plans and failing, and every one of them has failed. Maybe what I need is no plan, just weighing myself every morning and trying to do the best I can in whatever way during that particular day. That will work as well as anything else I've tried over the last year.

As for the blog, I don't know what I want to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll be out from under this cold and I'll feel 100% different, ready to combine all previous plans into a super plan that absolutely is guaranteed to work. Or maybe I'll stop writing until the time comes when I'm truly ready to follow a plan. I don't know. For now, I need to do some work--I got to the office at 5:30 to check on some backups and start some backups. The plan is to leave by 8:30 and go home to bed. With a little luck and a little rest, maybe I won't be so low tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Frank, Try to keep a clear head. I know it's hard with all that is going on. More later.